Deities of Discworld”Because what gods need is belief, and what humans want is gods.”
” It was all very well going on about pure logic and how the universe was ruled by logic and the harmony of numbers, but the plain fact of the matter was that the Disc was manifestly traversing space on the back of a giant turtle and the gods had a habit of going round to atheists' houses and smashing their windows.”
“No gods anywhere play chess. They haven't got the imagination. Gods prefer simple, vicious games, where you Do Not Achieve Transcendence but Go Straight to Oblivion; A key to the understanding of all religion is that a god's idea of amusement is Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.”
“Demons have existed on the Discworld for at least as long as the gods, who in many ways they closely resemble. The difference is basically the same as that between terrorists and freedom fighters.”
“It is said that whosoever the gods wish to destroy, they first make mad. In fact, whosoever the gods wish to destroy, they first hand the equivalent of a stick with a fizzing fuse and Acme Dynamite Company written on its side. It's more interesting, and doesn't take as long.”Anoia, Goddess of Things That Stick in Drawers
A minor goddess, Anoia used to be responsible for the Disc’s volcanoes. Eventually, however, she tired of this and changed her vocational priorities. She wears the appearance of a tired, skinny woman clothed in a bedsheet and continuously smoking a rather ashy cigarette.
Anoia does not ask much of her worshippers, and is more or less of the mindset that at some point, everyone has to deal with a stuck drawer, and angry or not those people’s shouting is a prayer for her. She also brings this attitude toward Things Down The Backs of Sofas, and has recently entertained entering the market of Zippers That Have Gotten Stuck Despite Being Wiggled Back And Forth.Dogma:
Things go to the bad at some point, so when they do, best to be prepared (if not with a solution, at least with a set of screwdrivers and pliers). Always remember where you put things, and don’t be afraid to mess about when searching for a solution.Clergy and Temples:
Anoia’s only temple is a small building in Ankh-Morpork that, appropriately, appears to have been wedged in between two other, larger temples. In keeping with the relaxed nature of their goddess, Anoia’s priestesses do freelance work for other up-and-coming deities.Domains:
Family, Force, Liberation, Fire, GoodAlignment:
A drawer with the top of a fork sticking out of it below a lit cigaretteBilious, Oh God of Hangovers
Another minor deity, created in a time of surplus belief after a nasty affair involving a man with a glass eye, Bilious is cursed to get all the negative effects of drinking even though he has never actually come into contact or consumed alcohol. He hates drinkers, and commands his worshippers to inconvenience them at all opportunities with pamphlets urging sobriety.
His attitude towards his worshippers is not a good one, mainly because they make his headaches worse with their constant call for prayers. He rarely responds to requests, and when he does it is often as tersely as possible. He appears as a thin man with a pale face, short brown hair, and a decidedly green cast to his features, and is often sweaty.Dogma:
Drinking is the greatest sin possible. Doctors and hedge witches are to be venerated in all their forms.Clergy and Temples:
Bilious has neither temples nor clergy, and can be best worshipped by attending sobriety seminars or temperance meetings.Domains:
Suffering, Sloth, Retribution, Purification, BalanceAlignment:
A figure with a pillow head tightly over his head above a cup of coffeeBlind Io, God of Thunder and Make No Mistake
Blind Io is the current king of the gods and has the unquestioned monopoly on the use of thunder for deific purposes. Any deity can rain down lightning on unbelievers, but you better believe he contracts the thunder out to old Io. The crafty bastard is blind, at least in the traditional sense, but tends to be surrounded by a number of floating eyes that aimlessly float around his head and therefore tend to leave him in a bad mood because of split vision.
Because so many cultures create independent thunder gods, Io has what is perhaps the most complete costume wardrobe of all the gods, and is adept at imitating anything from a female thunder god to a creature with lightning bolts for arms.Dogma:
All occurrences of thunder are to be taken as the attention of Blind Io. It is important to venerate the gods in all their forms, and those who do not do so will likely be left a pile of badly burnt sandals and ash. Enemies should be swiftly dealt with. Other deities claiming to be thunder gods should have their temples torn down post-haste.Clergy and Temples:
As chief among the gods, Blind Io boasts the Disc’s most prominent (though not largest) clergy, and the high priest of Blind Io traditionally speaks for and represents Ankh-Morpork’s various priesthoods and religious orders. He also has a large temple and a feast day.Domains:
Wrath, Air, Pride, Sky, Law, GoodAlignment:
A double headed axe bisected by a lightning boltFate, God of You Damn Well Know What
More properly termed an Anthropomorphic Personification, Fate appears as an older man with graying hair and eyes that are black from edge to edge, and faint twinklings that may be stars. He plays games with the other gods constantly, and has only been known to lose to the Lady (and Cohen the Barbarian on one memorable occasion). Fate is unfailingly polite, but does not like being cheated, and responds angrily when it occurs. Interestingly, Fate may well be the one who cheats the others most.
Fate does not care one way or the other regarding his worshippers, and sees the Disc in general as something to momentarily suspend his boredom.Dogma:
Things happen, and that is simply the way that the universe works. It does not do to fight one’s fate, and all things should be accepted as they are given. Trying to change one’s destiny is an act counter to the fabric of the cosmos.Clergy and Worshippers:
Just because Fate does not care about his followers does not mean they do not exist. He has a temple in Ankh-Morpork, and his priests are grey-faced men who attend pre-determined meetings in his name. Many of them are accountants and tax collectors.Domains:
Fate, Planning, Destiny, Oracle, LawAlignment:
A black disc dotted with scattered starsHoki, God of Bloody Mischief and Trickery
Hoki is a bit of a bastard, so much so that he got kicked out of Dunmanifestin for pulling the old exploding mistletoe joke on Blind Io. He manifests in a number of forms, ranging from a small child to an oak tree, or a half-man, half-goat. The other gods see Hoki as a bloody nuisance, and he tends to be worshipped more so that he doesn’t bother people than out of any desire for something from him.
Hoki doesn’t care for much, and his attitude can generally be summed up by the phrase “unwelcome surprise.” That said, Hoki does also care for the froests of the Disc, particularly in the Ramptops, ensuring that the wilds are well-cared for.Dogma:
Do what you want as long as its worth a good laugh and doesn’t permanently hurt anyone.Clergy and Worshippers:
While he has no temple, Hoki is worshipped primarily out of a desire to keep him away and not causing problems. Some of his worshippers are small children with whoopee cushions.Domains:
Life, Plant, Trickery, Moon, Chaos, GoodAlignment:
A flute overlaid on an oak treeThe Lady, Goddess of the Million-to-One Chance
The Lady is the anthropomorphic personification of Luck, and is the single most powerful goddess on the face of the Disc. Her name is never spoken, only hinted at, and she invariably deserts anyone who names her outright. The Lady is capricious, and appears as a red-haired woman with bright green eyes (not in the sense that a human might have green eyes; her’s are green from edge to edge, without whites or pupils).
The eternal rival of Fate, the Lady is the only know deity to have beaten him in a game. Where Fate plays to win, the Lady only plays not to lose, and tends to choose pieces that are, on their face, not very powerful (or in Rincewind’s case, possessed of any redeeming abilities whatsoever). She claims to have never sacrificed a pawn, and treats those holds those she favors close.Dogma:
The Lady espouses no particular dogma or ideology.Clergy and Worshippers:
Uniquely of the gods on the Disc, the Lady has neither worshippers nor clergy. This is because, although the only temple ever erected to Her was destroyed by pure chance, everyone, in their heart of hearts, hopes and prays that She exists and will favor them. Her suitors are distinguished by their repetition of the prayer: “please-oh-please-oh-please-oh-please
Chaos, Luck, Travel, Wealth, Charm, Quantum (new domain)Alignment:
A pair of dice, or a quantum weather butterfly
Offler, The Crocodile God
Granted Power: Three times per day, as an immediate action, you can reverse the result of a roll that you've made such that a 1 would be counted as a 20, a 2 as a 19, a 3 as an 18, etc. and vice-versa. You can choose to expend all three uses at once as an immediate action to force another creature to do the same.
2: Divine Favor
3: Alter Fortune
4: Baleful Transposition
5: Bewildering Mischance
6: Dimension Shuffle
7: Ruin Delver's Fortune
8: Azuth's Exalted Triad
Appearing as a man with a crocodile’s head, Offler is one of the disc’s most widely worshipped deities, with the majority of his followers coming from Klatch, his place of origin. Oddly, he also boasts many worshippers who have never actually seen a crocodile and whose lands do not have them.
An old god, Offler is more prone to common sense than many of his younger fellows, and takes a pragmatic approach to his worshippers. He advocates the importance of only forbidding things that your worshippers will not mind giving up (broccoli), to the other gods. He also speaks with a lisp as a result of his crocodile head. He is attended by sacred birds that give him news from across the Disc, and also clean his teeth.Dogma:
Pay attention and take note of your situation, because things are always bloody complicated. Mind your own business and work hard and things will probably turn out all right. Respect crocodiles.Clergy and Worshippers:
The Crocodile God’s followers are called Offlians, and the second month of the calendar, Offle, is also named after him. The traditional sacrifice to Offler when praying is composed mainly of fried sausages, allowing the "true sausagidity" to ascend to Offler by means of smell, while the clergy eat the "earthly shell" of the sausages, which the clergy claim taste like ash, as Offler has eaten their essence. A large temple to Offler exists in Ankh-Morpork as well.Domains:
Mysticism, Scalykind, Thirst, Sand, Sun, GoodAlignment:
A crocodile head over two crossed sceptersThe Great God Om
Om is an interesting case as a god. There was a time when his priesthood focused on inquisiting (which generally involved a great deal of spikes and shouting. Also fire. You can never have enough righteous fire), but after the coming of the Prophet Brutha, Om had a change of heart, and now urges his followers to be good to all people, though they still hold the belief that Om is the one true god.
Om’s followers and clergy are based in the desert nation of Omnia, a theocracy on the Klatchian continent. Om has, following Brutha’s coming, refused to manifest directly and demands that believers develop their own theology and thics based on faith in his existence and creeds of nonviolence and moral decency. Omnians, rather than turning to war to prove Om’s superiority, now try to win in the marketplace of ideas.Dogma:
You can die for your country or your people or your family, but for a god you should live fully and busily, every day of a long life.Clergy and Worshippers:
As a theocracy, Omnia is ruled by the Cenobiarch and the priesthood, which espouses an evangelical attitude and encourages missionary work.Domains:
Inquisition, Good, Healing, Courage, CommunityAlignment:
A turtlePatina, Goddess of Wisdom
The dignified, grey-haired goddess of wisdom, Patina’s image is marred by the fact that a sculptor accidentally carved her statue with a penguin instead of an owl. As a result, the collective belief has forced Patina to actually change her pet into a penguin, causing much laughter at her expense in Dunmanifestin. Her origin lies in Ephebe, where the philosophers and artists are venetrated as nowhere else on the Disc.
Patina is a relatively distant goddess, though she means well. Her desire for learning and knowledge of all kinds makes her easily distractable, and though she inspires her worshippers, she tends not to answer their prayers because she is off studying some new phenomena.Dogma:
Learn as much as you can, listen to those wiser than you, and always seek new heights of knowledge. Libraries are sacred, and those who tamper with them should be dealt with harshly.Clergy and Worshippers:
Though Patina does have a traditional clergy and temple in Ephebe (and Ankh-Morpork), she considers all scholars and those of the learned persuasion as hers, and only demands that they treat knowledge and its manifestations with the proper respect.Domains:
Creation, Knowledge, Protection, Dream, LawAlignment:
A book or a penguinPedestriana, Goddess of the City and Football
A lean, playful woman wearing cleats and carrying a backpack filled with assorted oddities, Pedestriana is the patron goddess of Ankh-Morpork and sporting events of all kinds (though she has a particular affinity for football). She is a relatively new goddess on the Disc, and does not concern herself with celestial politics or Dunmanifestin, preferring to attend sporting competitions and open markets around the Discworld.
Pedestriana disdains civilized society and prefers to engage in everyday activities like eating overpriced stadium food and playing football while giving a damn good elbow to the other team’s forwards when no one is looking. She manifests on occasion in the mortal world, but more often takes time to share consciousness with female athletes or scrappers in general.Dogma:
Give as good as you get and play dirty if no one’s watching as long as its all in good fun. Explore and amuse yourself by finding what you enjoy.Clergy and Worshippers:
Strictly speaking, Pedestriana has neither worshippers nor clergy. The reality however is that every stadium is her temple and every fan and player her worshipper. The celebratory chanting is her primary form of prayer, as is the call of food vendors and salespeople.Domains:
Trade, Commerce, Competition, City, Chaos, GoodAlignment:
A pennant bearing a footballThe Sea Goddess
She is nameless, and she is the ocean. She is the tides and the waves and maestrom. The Sea Goddess is willful, and is not very smart, but she is powerful, for all men and women and creatures believe in her strength and hope that she blesses them rather than takes them for her own. Sailors most of all tread wisely around her, and observe many rituals to remain in her good graces.
Truth be told, however, she does not care what people do. When a rule of hers is broken there can be no placating her unless the price is paid, and she has no use for adoration. The one currency she trades in is respect and obedience. Her sacred animal is the dolphin.Dogma:
Respect the sea and all things in it. Do not anger the ocean or take advantage of its bounty. Clergy and Worshippers:
The Sea Goddess has no clergy and would not care even if she did. Her worshippers are primarily sailors and fishermen, and they are devout indeed.Domains:
Ocean, Storm, Pact, Water, Weather, EvilAlignment:
A dolphin leaping among the wavesTak, God of the Earth
Tak wrote the world, according to the dwarves. Unlike most gods, Tak does not require or ask that the dwarves think of him, merely that they think. He does not manifest on the Disc and has no known image, preferring to keep to himself in some deep part of the earth rather than live in Dunmanifestin like most deities. He is venerated by the dwarves and trolls, though for many centuries the dwarves viewed trolls as an abomination, and the two races warred with one another. A recent translation of Tak’s original words however, produced the following:The first thing Tak did, he wrote himself.
The second thing Tak did, he wrote the Laws.
The third thing Tak did, he wrote the World.
The fourth thing Tak did, he wrote a cave.
The fifth thing Tak did, he wrote a geode, an egg of stone.
And in the twilight of the mouth of the cave, the geode hatched, and the Brothers were born.
The first Brother walked toward the light, and stood under the open sky. Thus he became too tall. He was the first Man. He found no Laws and he was enlightened.
The second Brother walked toward the darkness, and stood under a roof of stone. Thus he achieved the correct height. He was the first Dwarf. He found the Laws Tak had written, and he was endarkened.
Then Tak looked upon the stone and it was trying to come alive, and Tak smiled, and wrote All things strive.
And for the service the stone had given, he fashioned it into the first Troll, and delighted in the life that came unbidden.
These are the things that Tak wrote!Dogma:
Think and grow. Respect all creatures and strive for something worthwhile.Clergy and Worshippers:
Dwarves and trolls are Tak’s primary worshippers, and though there as very few troll clergy, both races practice follow him with equal care and vigor. He has no church in Ankh-Morpork proper, though many dwarves have shrines to him in their mines.Domains:
Craft, Dwarves, Rune, Earth, Cavern, Law, GoodAlignment:
A stone next to a fire